Their Troublesome Crush Read online

  Their Troublesome Crush

  Kink and Showtunes

  Xan West

  Contents

  Content Warnings

  About Their Troublesome Crush

  A Brief Note About Trans and Non-Binary Terms

  A Brief Note About BDSM and Polyamory Terms

  Sunday April 10, 2011

  Tuesday April 12, 2011

  Sunday, April 17, 2011

  Sunday, April 17, 2011

  Tuesday, April 19, 2011

  Saturday April 23, 2011

  Sunday April 24, 2011

  Sunday April 24, 2011

  Sunday, May 8, 2011

  Epilogue - Sunday, May 29, 2011

  Afterword

  A Note for Readers

  Acknowledgments

  Also by Xan West

  Praise for Xan’s Work

  About Xan West

  About Nine of Swords, Reversed

  Excerpt from Nine of Swords, Reversed

  Copyright © 2019 by Xan West

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  For permission requests, write to the publisher, addressed “Attention: Permissions Coordinator,” at the address below.

  [email protected]

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Locales and public names are sometimes used for atmospheric purposes. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, locales or actual events is purely coincidental.

  * * *

  The author acknowledges the copyrighted or trademarked status and trademark owners of the following wordmarks mentioned in this work of fiction:

  “76 Trombones,” Action, “All I Need is the Girl,” Anshel, Avigdor, Bette Middler, Bisli, Boy Scouts of America, “Brand New Day,” Candye Kane, Cinderella (1957 musical), “Cool,” Corcoran Jump Boots, The Divine Ms. M., Doc Martens, “Donna Donna,” Dreamwidth, Effie Perine, Fiddler on the Roof (1964 musical) The Fifth Element (1997 film), Gchat, “Giants in the Sky,” “Good Morning, Baltimore,” “A Great Big Woman,” Guys and Dolls (1950 musical), Harold and the Purple Crayon, Humphrey Bogart, Jerome Robbins, “I Am Changing,” “I Feel Like I’m Not Out of Bed, Yet,” Isaac Bashevis Singer, Iva Archer, Julie Andrews, Junior Mints, Kasper Gutman, Kliks, “Le Jazz Hot,” Livejournal, The Maltese Falcon (1941 film), “Marian the Librarian,” Milla Jovovich, The Music Man (1957 musical), My Fair Lady (OBC 1956) “O What a Beautiful Mornin’,” “The Oldest Established,” Pattern Play, Peshe, Peter Lorre, “Razzle-Dazzle,” Rebel Without a Cause (1955 film), Sam Spade, “Show Me,” “Sidewalk Tree,” “Singin’ in the Rain,” ”Something’s Coming,” Splenda, Stephen Sondheim, “Stepsister’s Lament,” Sydney Greenstreet, “Take Back Your Mink,” Tigger, Victor/Victoria (1982 film), West Side Story (1957 musical), “When You’re Home,” Wilmer Cook, Yentl the Yeshiva Boy, “Ya Got Trouble,” “You’re Fucked.”

  * * *

  Digital version 1.0

  Cover design and illustration by Hannah Aroni

  All rights reserved.

  Image Description of the cover:

  An illustrated cover featuring a fat brunette cane-using woman in a cupcake-printed dress holding hands with a fat redheaded trans man in jeans and an open plaid shirt in front of a bakery display case full of cupcakes.

  Content Warnings

  Detailed description of gender dysphoria.

  References to being misgendered by family.

  Reference to familial estrangement.

  References to fat oppression, trans oppression and ableism.

  References to being a survivor and managing PTSD.

  References to depression.

  Brief reference to familial pressure to mask autism.

  Use of the term “queer” as a reclaimed slur.

  Reference to the lesbian sex wars.

  Many references to BDSM, including Daddy/boy dynamic, D/s, service, bondage, and pain play.

  Depiction of service provided in the context of a D/s relationship.

  Depiction of a BDSM scene that includes bondage, D/s, and service (Chapter 10 only).

  About Their Troublesome Crush

  In this queer polyamorous m/f romance novella, two metamours realize they have crushes on each other while planning their shared partner's birthday party together. Ernest, a Jewish autistic demiromantic queer fat trans man submissive, and Nora, a Jewish disabled queer fat femme cis woman switch, have to contend with an age gap, a desire not to mess up their lovely polyamorous dynamic as metamours, the fact that Ernest has never been attracted to a cis person before, and the reality that they are romantically attracted to each other, all while planning their dominant's birthday party and trying to do a really good job.

  A Brief Note About Trans and Non-Binary Terms

  This book has two trans men characters: Ernest and Gideon. This book has three non-binary characters: Shiloh, VJ, and Blaze. (There are a few other minor trans and non-binary characters, but they don’t get significant page time in this book.) These characters use different terms to refer to themselves and each other, so I thought I would include a brief note about each, including a pronunciation guide (in italics) for potentially unfamiliar terms. While some non-binary and trans folks shift between pronouns, all of the trans and non-binary characters in this story use one set of pronouns.

  I’m including a full set of pronoun examples (Nominative, Objective, Possessive Adjective, Possessive Pronoun and Reflective) here, so you can see how they are used.

  So, for a character like Nora or Judith, who uses she/her pronouns, you would use them thus: She knows, I ask her, Her tarot card shows, That is hers, She likes herself.

  Similarly, for a character who uses he/him pronouns, like Ernest or Gideon, you would use them this way: He knows, I ask him, His tarot card shows, That is his, He likes himself.

  Both Shiloh and VJ uses ze/zir pronouns, which are used this way: Ze (zee) knows, I ask zir (zhere), Zir (zhere) tarot card shows, That is zirs (zheres). Ze likes zirself (zhereself).

  Blaze uses xie/xer pronouns, so you would use those this way: Xie (zee) knows, I ask xer (zer), Xer (zer) tarot card shows, That is xers (zers), Xe likes xerself (zerself).

  A Brief Note About BDSM and Polyamory Terms

  Ernest and Gideon are in a D/s relationship that centers service-based submission, alongside being romantic partners, living together, and chosen family. In this relationship Gideon is referred to as Daddy, and Ernest is referred to as boy or sometimes as Gideon’s good boy.

  Gideon and Nora are in a D/s relationship that includes but does not center service; In this relationship, Gideon is referred to as Sir, and Nora is referred to as girl.

  Ernest and Nora begin the story as metamours, because they each are in a significant relationship with the same person: Gideon.

  Their Troublesome Crush

  Sunday April 10, 2011

  Ernest had the best idea for Daddy’s birthday and he couldn’t wait to share it with Nora. When would she get here? He was so excited that his hands were fluttery, and he was bouncing a little. They were going to throw Gideon an amazing birthday party, and Gideon was going to ruffle his hair and call him a good boy, and cup Nora’s cheek and give her that sweet smile he had just for her, and he would tell them both they did a good job. There was nothing better than do
ing a good job.

  Ernest was getting ahead of himself, he knew, but he couldn’t help it. He always got giddy at the beginning of tasks; this was their first joint task doing service for Gideon as metamours, and that was exciting, and Ernest was rather bouncy in general, anyway. Luckily, Nora was more grounded and moved slowly and deliberately, so they would balance each other out, he thought. Ernest had this image in his head, of himself tugging on Daddy’s hand, racing forward, unruly short red curls going every which way, and Nora holding Gideon’s other hand, moving slow and steady, gazing up at him like he hung the moon, her tight dark curls framing her face in a somewhat controlled cloud. Maybe there was a song in that, he thought, the two rhythms dancing around the melody, balancing it. His fingers moved on his thighs, building the rhythms, as his head started to fill with the melody. Then two women sat right next to him, talking loudly about the bat mitzvah they were planning, and he lost the song altogether. He should have sat in the corner.

  Ernest moved to the corner table, which was quieter, thankfully, but he couldn’t get the song back, so he sketched out the idea in his notebook and turned his attention back to the party planning. There were a ton of cupcake shops in NYC, but Nora favored this one on the Lower East Side; they were meeting there so Ernest could try them out. He still wasn’t sure cupcakes were the right choice. They would be perfect for his own birthday, but perhaps Gideon would want something more dignified. He had his eye on a pie shop in Brooklyn. But it made sense to at least try the cupcakes, didn’t it? How could he resist a chance to try cupcakes?

  Maybe they should get a half dozen and sample. It would give him a chance to take leftovers home and see what Daddy thought. But he knew Nora was diabetic and that made it thorny to fill the table with cupcakes. What if it was a mean thing to do, since she probably could only have a few bites? At least, that was what she generally did with desserts, when they had gotten them in the past. They always shared so she could have a taste but not mess up her blood sugar. But maybe it wasn’t right for him to not ask just because she was diabetic? He didn’t want to act like he was in charge of her food choices.

  He thought it through, considering it from a few angles, trying to figure out what would be the most considerate and the least intrusive and the most respectful of her autonomy, his brain filling with these spiraling thoughts that contradicted each other, until he remembered what his play partner Jax had said to him once: “People think they are being so caring when they comment on what you eat, when you’re a fat diabetic. They don’t see the way our food choices are constantly scrutinized and judged, the way we’re so often blamed for having diabetes, how we have unhelpful non-consensual help pushed on us all the time. What I really need is to be left alone…unless I ask for information or help.”

  Well, that cleared things up. He would do the sampler thing and try a few flavors, and let her do what made sense for her. Ernest got enough shit from the world as a midsize fat not-really-passing-most-of-the-time trans guy, for eating sweets in public…it seemed likely that as a larger fat diabetic femme cis woman, she got a whole lot more. He definitely didn’t want to add to that. Once he connected those ideas, a whole bunch more slotted into place, as he thought about unhelpful non-consensual help, and all the ways it messed things up, about the ways that kind of help interacted with ableism and fat oppression and misogyny. He started mapping it out in his notebook, connecting the dots for himself. Writing it, mapping it, helped make it stick when there was a gap in a pattern like this, like it was reinforcing a piece of the puzzle that had been missing but was now in place. He didn’t want to lose this piece again.

  Ernest traced the pattern he’d drawn in his notebook and felt his brain ready itself for a leap to another connection, just as he heard his name being said in a husky musical voice that held tones of humor, like perhaps she’d already said it a few times and he’d missed that. So he looked up, and Nora was there, taking off her adorable raincoat, which was bright pink and had white polka dots. She was wearing purple tights and a short black dress. Her dress had cupcakes on it! Nora managed to look both powerful and cute at the same time; it was something about how her clothes suited her pear-shaped fatness perfectly, and something about how she held herself. Her face was flushed, she was smiling, and her chin-length dark brown hair was all wild frizzy curls today. So was his own hair, come to think of it. He actually had a curl in the center of his fucking forehead, which of course put his mother’s voice in his head, exactly where he did not want her. He dug his nails into his thigh to try to get rid of her and focus on the present.

  “You were in your own world,” she said.

  He ducked his head. “Um, yeah. I do that.”

  “I do it too, when I’m writing. My world is a pretty good place to spend time in.”

  He smiled. His world was pretty great too. “I know what you mean. My world is a lot better than most places in NYC. Maybe you could tell me about your world sometime?”

  “You want to hear about the world I’m writing, the novel I’m working on?”

  “Yes, please,” he said firmly. He definitely wanted to hear about that.

  “Hmm. That rates a please, does it?”

  Ernest blinked, trying to figure out what she meant. Was he not supposed to say please? Was he not supposed to want to hear about her world? He didn’t know what to say, so he just nodded.

  She was still standing over the table, though she’d draped her raincoat over her chair, and moved closer to him, so it wasn’t that she was going to leave. Was he supposed to be standing too? She made him nervous, looking down at him, standing so close. His heart was racing. Why did he like being around her so much if she made him nervous like this?

  “Come on,” Nora said, and her hand appeared. He was supposed to take it, he knew. But they hadn’t ever touched, so it was a shock to be suddenly faced with it. Did he want to take her hand? After a moment the answer came: yes. So he stood up and took it. She tugged him over to the display case of all the cupcakes and then stood next to him, reaching over his body to point out her favorite flavors, closer than she had ever stood before. It made him a bit dizzy, but not in a scary way. It was like being filled with bubbles; he was unsteady, almost floating, definitely not firmly planted on the ground.

  He dug his boots into the floor, not wanting to fall, as her voice filled him up, talking about why she loved these particular flavors. The scent of sugar and butter was so strong in this part of the shop. But that wasn’t all he smelled. Her raincoat had a hood but he didn’t think she’d been wearing it, because her hair, which was so close it had brushed his face, smelled like rain. He closed his eyes for a moment and breathed in, concentrating on the smell of rain. He’d always loved the rain, would stand outside in it every chance he got, savoring the sensation of it on his skin. There was nothing like spinning in the rain. He’d tried spinning in the shower but it wasn’t the same. “Singin’ in the Rain” came into his head and he hummed it, knowing that he couldn’t sing, not in a bakery, even though he wanted to. Humming would have to do.

  He didn’t even get a chance to suggest getting an assortment. She suggested it first, though she was going to leave out the lemon, and he knew Gideon loved lemon sweets. So it wasn’t like he made no contribution at all or anything. They got a half dozen of the regular sized cupcakes and returned to their seats, Nora taking out a half frozen bottle of water wrapped in a grey handkerchief and putting it on the table. Ernest expected the half frozen water bottle; she carried them everywhere, no matter the season, but the grey hanky, that was new to him.

  Ever since Jake, Ernest had been wary about Gideon’s partners assuming he was also part of a package deal, that if they got together with Gideon they were automatically going to be playing with Ernest too. As he and Nora had been building their metamour relationship, he’d been so worried that she might think he was hitting on her that he hadn’t talked about his kink life or his relationships, and hadn’t asked about hers. Which meant he actually knew
very little about her kinks. That made the grey hanky completely distracting, because he knew Gideon didn’t like bondage and in Ernest’s world, if you owned a hanky, there was a good reason for it.

  “That’s a grey hanky,” Ernest said, before he caught himself.

  Nora grinned at him. “Why, yes it is.”

  Ernest waited for her to say something more, but she didn’t, just kept smiling at him. This was going to completely distract him if he didn’t find out, but maybe it was rude. Maybe she didn’t want to say, and that’s why she didn’t. She was smiling. Was that friendly, or teasing, or maybe she thought it was funny that he just blurted that out?

  “You aren’t going to ask, are you?”

  “Um. Did you want me to?”

  “Ernest…do you think you can’t ask me stuff?”

  “I don’t want to presume…”

  “Okay, here’s the deal. You can ask me anything, as long as you are okay with me refusing to answer,” she said firmly.

  “That wasn’t you refusing to answer?”

  “No, that was me teasing you.”

  “Nora, you know I’m autistic, right?”

  She nodded.

  “I don’t know how to parse a lot of stuff, especially indirect communication. I didn’t know if you didn’t say because you didn’t want to answer, or were teasing, or what. I’m not gonna know that stuff, unless you’re direct.”’