Their Troublesome Crush Page 10

  Kneeling as Nora removed the rope made him so aware of his skin that it was almost too much. He immediately pulled on his shirt, then his hoodie, needing a barrier so he didn’t feel so much. He was glad for the task when she told him to coil the rope, giving precise instructions for how to do it, and telling him to go slow. It felt grounding just to hold the rope, and he couldn’t resist rubbing it against his cheek before he started coiling it. When he was done, he kneeled and offered her the rope. He was shocked when she curled his hands back around it.

  “You’ve earned it,” she said firmly, her smile taking over her whole face. “You were such a good boy for me.”

  He hugged the rope to his chest, enjoying how solid and real it felt, the weight of it.

  “Thank you Ma’am. I loved serving you, so much.”

  “I’m so glad,” Nora said, cupping his cheeks, and kissing him gently. “I am honored by your service, Ernest. You pleased me very much.”

  He couldn’t help but beam at her, and wiggle a bit. When she had him get on the couch, it felt odd. Like they shouldn’t be at the same level. It helped when she told him to lie down and put his head on her thigh. At least she was sitting up, and he was lower. Then she was stroking his hair, and singing to him, and nothing was better than that. He might not know the songs she was singing, but they were soothing, and her voice just got him, every time. She had finished the third song, about a musician on tour dreaming of home, when she gently nudged him to sit up, handing him a bottle of water. He drank, the water feeling cleansing and bringing him out of the dreaminess of her voice. When he was done, she wrapped him in her arms, keeping him in a sitting position. It didn’t feel as weird as before, but it did itch a bit.

  “Ernest, I want to try something. Let’s think of a song we both know, and sing it together.”

  “Ohhh.” That sounded like the best kind of aftercare in the universe. “Um. Easiest for me would be a showtune. Do you know any?”

  “Well, I did Cinderella in high school, does that count?”

  “Definitely. I love that show. Who were you?”

  “The fat stepsister, of course. They always gave me the fat parts, which got very old very quickly.”

  “I can see why.”

  “Oh yes, I think I will always be bitter about that.”

  “Understandably. Which was your favorite song in Cinderella?”

  “I loved the ‘Stepsister’s Lament.’”

  “That’s a really awesome song.”

  So Nora started singing it, and Ernest picked up his part, bouncing when he got to the words bubble and trouble, because he totally associated them with Nora. It was incredibly fun to sing with her, both of them grinning and holding hands as they did. By the time the song was done, Ernest was fully out of subspace and pretty damn bouncy.

  “May I kiss you?” he asked, bursting to do it.

  “Yes, Ernest, you may.”

  So he did, a kiss that was full of bubbles and joy and bounciness. She laughed delightedly into his mouth, and it made him giggle.

  “You seem very happy.”

  “This was the BEST day,” he said. “I feel like I’m twirling, I’m so happy.”

  “It really was a wonderful day, Ernest. I’m so glad you feel that way, too. We made a really good beginning. Now I need you to let Ms. M out of her confinement before she does something horrendous to my shoes.”

  Ernest chuckled as he went to free the kitty, who glared, and then stalked past him to the kitchen. He joined Nora in the living room. She pulled him close and they sat on her couch, making plans. It felt really good to know that he was going to see her soon, and to make plans to play again. Plans made it feel more solid, more real. So did her warm softness next to him, holding him.

  When Ernest got outside, the air felt amazing on his skin, the pavement so solid under his boots. He felt like he would carry Nora’s last long hug with him forever, like it had burrowed inside his heart and taken up residence there. He pulled out his phone to let Daddy know he was on his way home, and got a text back immediately.

  * * *

  Gideon: How did it go?

  * * *

  Ernest: The scene was great, and Nora was awesome and we are going to play again soon, and I was a good boy, and I have rope to prove it!!!!

  * * *

  Gideon: Oh, boy, I’m so glad. I have a really good feeling about this. I think you two are at the beginning of something really wonderful.

  Ernest sang “Something’s Coming” as he walked to the train. Rather loudly. Who could blame him? It was the perfect showtune to capture that feeling of joyous possibility. Because he had a really good feeling about his relationship with Nora, too. She was absolutely right. They had made a very good beginning.

  Afterword

  Thanks so much for reading! This book holds an important place in my heart, and I’m honored that you chose to spend time in this story. Their Troublesome Crush began from a desire to write the kind of polyamorous romance that felt reflective of my life and my experience in kinky polyamorous queer communities. I wanted to write a polyamorous romance that centered the arc of two people who both had multiple other partners, and were grappling with the potential shift from a platonic relationship to a romantic and kinky relationship. A romance that begins from a polyamorous V and doesn’t become a closed triad, as many romance readers might expect, because it’s usually how things work in polyamorous contemporary romance, as a subgenre. In my own personal experience, triads can happen, but so do lots of other kinds of configurations, and I wanted to offer another possibility on the page.

  I had written a short story the previous year that I called my queer chosen family love story, and I wanted to spend more time with some of those characters. (That story is called “Tenderness.” It’s set in 2009 and centers Judith and Shiloh in particular, but many of the other characters in it are also in this book.) Their Troublesome Crush picks up with the same characters, a bit later on, in the spring of 2011.

  I thought I might explain about the timeframe, as it’s a bit odd to write a piece that’s fairly close to contemporary, but set about 8 years ago. Their Troublesome Crush, and “Tenderness” are connected to Shocking Violet, a novel I’m writing that’s still in progress. Shocking Violet is set in NYC as 2008 turns into 2009. The timeframe for that novel is set in stone because the novel takes place amidst trans inclusion activism that’s loosely based on real life activism I participated in. I wanted to draw from my own experience and depict the complexities of that particular activist endeavor. Trans activism is one of those things that shifts incredibly rapidly, and looks quite different even six months later, much less a decade. So, the time frame is important, and the timeframes of the other connected stories cascade from it.

  The good news is that in addition to this being the first in a series of novellas that I’m titling Kink and Showtunes, there are also a bunch of other connected works in development, including a quartet of novels and a novella. So if you enjoyed this chosen family, and this approach to polyamorous queer kinky romance, there is more on the way. Part of that more is another book in this series that will be centering Ernest and Nora. While I believe this book can stand alone as a romance, is a whole story in and of itself, it also has a deeply demiromantic arc, which in this case means that much of the story is about Ernest coming to terms with his romantic attraction to Nora. That sort of arc makes for a romance novella that ends as their romantic (and kink) relationship begins. I’m looking forward to writing a romance about Ernest and Nora that takes place a bit later on, after they have been in that relationship for a while.

  Their Troublesome Crush is out in time for Autism Pride Month. I’m autistic, and I poured a lot of myself into writing Ernest. I really cared about having Ernest be as autistic as he was, and not mask that for the reader or have him mask much for other characters. Being autistic is something that deeply shapes Ernest, how he sees the world, how he thinks and solves problems, how he writes music and acts in re
lationships. It felt very important to me to write a character who was deeply in those experiences and not trying to hide them or diminish them for others, who has other autistic people in his life that he cares for and seeks support from.

  I am only one autistic voice. I urge anyone who reads this book in conjunction with Autism Pride Month to also read other ownvoices autistic stories, as #ActuallyAutistic folks are incredibly diverse, and autistic authors deserve your support during a month that often devolves to being about us, without us. Check my website for an upcoming post suggesting other ownvoices autistic stories and books you might also read.

  A Note for Readers

  Thank you for reading this book! I hope you have enjoyed it, and you are very welcome to leave a review or recommend it to a friend; recommendations and reviews mean the world to indie writers and I am grateful for anything you might want to say about my work to other readers.

  I would like to insert a brief note about gender and ways to discuss this book and craft reviews without harming other readers. I am grateful to Ana Mardoll for modeling this idea in xer lovely collection No Man of Woman Born, which xie has graciously granted me permission to borrow from in writing this note. (Xie also helped spark the idea for the note about non-binary terms at the beginning of this book.)

  Some of the characters in this book are transgender people; that is to say that they are folks whose gender does not match the gender assigned to them at birth. Many trans and/or non-binary people prefer that their gender assignment not be discussed all or most of the time. There are several non-binary secondary characters in the book; their gender assignments are not discussed and do not need to be referenced in reviews. While Ernest’s gender assignment is obliquely referenced, it is unnecessary to state that Ernest is AFAB in your review. Instead, it is best to refer to both him and Gideon as trans men. Ernest was not “born a girl”, nor is he “female”; please do not refer to him using that language. It is both inaccurate and may also be harmful to trans and non-binary readers of your review.

  When discussing the story, please use the pronouns that characters use in the story. In determining which pronoun form to use, the note at the beginning of the book may be helpful.

  None of the characters have genders that should be considered a spoiler; there is no need to conceal their genders with incorrect pronouns or terminology.

  Thank you for being considerate; sensitive reviews for books with trans and non-binary characters are easier for trans readers to navigate.

  More resources on transgender characters and how to write about them are available at GLAAD.org, Nonbinary.org, and https://ifoundmyselfreading.wordpress.com/2016/10/23/how-to-review-a-trans-book-as-a-cis-person/ . I am very grateful to Ana Mardoll, Vee (@findmereading) and Avery (@BookDeviant) for sharing their thoughts with me regarding the ways trans characters are discussed in book reviews.

  Acknowledgments

  for Austin, who made me want to write a good boy Ernest

  and for Nik, who inspired me to write it now

  * * *

  I could not have done this myself. My deepest thanks…

  to Edith, whose support meant the world

  to Hannah Aroni, who created a gorgeous cover

  to Shira Glassman, who helped me be brave in how I wrote this story

  to Les Addison and Nicky Tyler for being wonderful early readers

  to Cole McCade for your support when I was struggling

  to Rose, whose friendship means the world to me

  to my therapist, who shored me up when I really needed it, more than once

  to RoAnna Sylver, for their truly wonderful editing and support

  to Andrea, whose feedback, as always, was invaluable

  to Callum Roper and Christoper G. Fain for their help with the trans rep

  to L. Anthony Graham, Abigail, Ren Basel and J. Emery for their tremendous assistance with important matters

  to Talia and Gayathri who gave useful feedback about the later version

  to Ceillie for last minute formatting help

  and to the QWC for your support as I worked through my process on this story.

  * * *

  I want to extend particular thanks…

  to the aro spec folks in my life who helped me think about my own aro-spec identity and about aro-spec representation in stories

  * * *

  to the kinky a-spec folks I know who helped me tease out ways to think about kink and the split attraction model

  * * *

  and to the ace spec folks in my life who cheered me on in writing fiction depicting non-sexual kink.

  * * *

  You helped shape the thinking that went into this book, and made me believe there were readers who wanted (and needed) stories like this one.

  Also by Xan West

  Show Yourself To Me: Queer Kink Erotica

  Nine of Swords, Reversed

  Selected Stories in Anthologies

  “Tenderness” in Queerly Loving, Volume 2

  “Trying Submission” in Best Lesbian Erotica of the Year, Volume 3

  “Building Something New” in Big Book of Submission, Volume 2

  Free Erotica Story:

  “The Tender Sweet Young Thing” on Sugarbutch

  Praise for Xan’s Work

  For Xan’s queer kink erotica collection, Show Yourself to Me

  “Xan West writes it the way most kinky folks dream of living it.” –Carol Queen

  * * *

  “Xan West’s erotic short stories are so visceral and reach into you so deep they imprint like a new lover. They’ll give you flashbacks to kinks you didn’t know you had.” –Cecilia Tan, writer and editor

  * * *

  “Prepare yourself: from this point on erotica is measured by what Xan has done … and will do in the future.” –M. Christian

  * * *

  “Show Yourself to Me is one of the hottest books I’ve ever read, and also the wisest.” –Annabeth Leong

  * * *

  “Xan is willing to destroy the fantasy to talk about something much hotter; real life..” –Heather Elizabeth

  * * *

  “My absolute favorite fiction experience in the last few years is Show Yourself to Me by Xan West. God. This collection decimated me and rebuilt me simultaneously. Absolutely amazing.” –Kris Ripper

  For Xan’s contemporary fantasy romance Nine of Swords, Reversed

  “A warm and uplifting tale, satisfying and sweet.” —A. Merc Rustad

  * * *

  “There is a feeling when you read good representation of yourself. ‘Other people feel this, too.’ Or sometimes, ‘Who looked inside my head and wrote down what I was thinking?’ This is what I felt when reading Xan West’s Nine of Swords, Reversed.” —Liminal Nest

  * * *

  “This novella is such a genuine and honest look at a very tender relationship, and I am glad this is my first book of the year.” —Mehek Naresh

  * * *

  “very sweet comfortfic about two genderfluid individuals in a D/s relationship navigating their relationship.”—Psygeek

  For Xan’s queer chosen family love story “Tenderness”

  “So poignant and sad but uplifting at the same time. I love seeing a queer found family coming together to comfort one of their own.” –Small Queer, Big Opinions

  * * *

  “Engulfing and warm, ‘Tenderness’ is a thoroughly enjoyable read, and was gloriously inclusive…watching Judith become more herself was the truest gift of this story.” –Dena Celeste

  * * *

  “Made me feel safe, accepted, and loved. I will be treasuring this story for the rest of my life.” –BookDeviant

  About Xan West

  Find Xan West Elsewhere:

  Website | Twitter: @TGStoneButch | Newsletter

  Xan West is the nom de plume of Corey Alexander, an autistic queer fat Jewish genderqueer writer and community activist with multiple disabilities who spends a lot of time on Twitter.


  Xan’s erotica has been published widely, including in the Best S/M Erotica series, the Best Gay Erotica series, and the Best Lesbian Erotica series. Xan’s story “First Time Since” won honorable mention for the 2008 National Leather Association John Preston Short Fiction Award. Their collection of queer kink erotica, Show Yourself to Me, is out from Go Deeper Press.

  After over 15 years of writing and publishing queer kink erotica short stories, Xan has begun to also write longer form queer kink romance. Their recent work still centers kinky, trans and non-binary, fat, disabled, queer trauma survivors. It leans more towards centering Jewish characters, ace and aro spec characters, autistic characters, and polyamorous networks. Xan has been working on a queer kinky polyamorous romance novel, Shocking Violet, for the last four years, and hopes to finish a draft very soon! You can find details and excerpts on their website, and sign up for their newsletter to get updates.